Math Humor

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Reasons my kids (Alexey and Sergei) do not do their homework.

Physics:

  1. I accidentally mixed my homework with my antihomework, and it exploded.
  2. The gravitational constant changed sign, and my homework flew away.
  3. I tried to build a black hole in my bedroom, when my homework suddenly disappeared.
  4. According to Newton's third law, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I was afraid of what my homework could do to me if I worked on it too hard.
  5. My Biology homework ate my homework!
  6. My Physics homework disintegrated into atoms and fell through my floor to say hello to my neighbors.
  7. I can't go against conservation of energy and the minimal action principle.

Mathematics:

  1. I had a constant amount of homework. I tried to derive its purpose, but I got nothing.
  2. I assumed that all the homework you assigned me was Abelian, so I thought that I could pass it in and then do it.
  3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook, but I could never reach it.
  4. I am sure that I put it inside my Klein Bottle last night, but this morning I could not find it.
  5. I locked it in my trunk, but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
  6. My little sister cut it into a finite number of pieces, and when I put it back together, I got a proof of the Banach-Tarski Paradox.
  7. I did part of it; the part I have left to do, is 0.999999999...
  8. My homework is a constructive demonstration of Godel's Incompleteness Theorem. That is, it is possible to assign a homework that cannot be completed.
  9. I wanted to, but I couldn't find its Godel Number.
  10. I completed my homework, but then I beheld it and saw that it lacked character, personality - there was no "me" in it, so I multiplied it by i, and it became imaginary!

Programming:

  1. I accidentally overwrote my last reference to it, and it got garbage-collected.
  2. I accidentally divided by zero and my computer burst into flames.
  3. I wrote "pink elephants" as an answer to one of the homework questions, and it threw a null pointer exception.
  4. You didn't initialize the essay length, so I defaulted it to zero.
  5. My homework made itself read-only, and I didn't have root access.
  6. I accidentally wrote "rm -rf /*" on my homework, and it disappeared!
  7. My mother redefined my doTheHomework() method with { doTheDishes(); }.
  8. I outsourced it to China, but they were sleeping.
  9. My homework had a pointer to Civilization III, so I did that.
  10. I accidentally invoked my do() method on the laundry instead of my homework.

History:

  1. My homework was exiled to Elba for its crimes, and so I couldn't bring it to school.

Miscellaneous:

  1. I didn't have enough Vespene gas.
  2. My grade is irrelevant, my homework is futile.
  3. Those nasty hobbitsess stoless it from us, precioussss...
  4. I suffered a Memory Lapse, and it ended up on top of my library.
  5. I started my homework, but it became more powerful than I could ever imagine.
  6. I accidentally pressed the self-destruct button, but the cancellation button was out of order.
  7. My homework was consumed by the power of the One Ring, and it no longer submitted to my will.
  8. There is no homework.
  9. I was thinking of the top ten reasons as to why I didn't do my homework.

Note: If you want to find out where some of these miscellaneous quotes come from, click here for joke explanations.

My teacher said

Math teacher:

* * *

This is obvious, but the fact that this is obvious is not obvious.

* * *

Assume, for the sake of clarity, that that yellow cube is a blue sphere.

* * *

Some day you would go shopping and a store clerk would ask you Gauss-Ostrogradsky formula and you won't be able to answer!

* * *

2+3 is 6, sorry 5, I am a little bit ahead.

* * *

Dear students! Remember that money can solve anything! Even complicated differential equations.

* * *

After the constant C approaches infinity...

Military teacher:

* * *(New added March 2010)

A general shows off a new tank and boasts:
- You see a tank supplied with the most modern computer technology.
- What is the speed of its computer?
- The same as the speed of the tank, of course.

* * *

During a lecture to his students, a military instructor says, "There is a 40% chance that we will hit our target."
One student asks, "What happens if we aim away from the target?"
The instructor replies, "Logically, we would have a 60% chance of hitting the target."

* * *

The boiling point of water inside a tank is 90 degrees... No, 90 degrees is the right angle.

* * *

Who is inclined towards Mathematics? Take the shovels and extract roots.

* * *

Any curve going around your boss is shorter than a straight line passing him.

* * *

Suppose N tanks are moving. No, N is too small — K tanks.

* * *

At the beginning a shell flies by parabola, then by inertia.

* * *

Pump out vacuum from there...

* * *

The population density of USA is 100 square people per mile.

* * *

A colonel teaches air defence at Moscow State University, Math Department. He says "If we try to hit a B-52 with this missile, the probability of success is 5%."
A math student asks: "What if we try to miss?"
The colonel thinks for a while and answers: "Then the probability of a hit is 95%."

Light Bulb Jokes

* * *

Question: How many complex analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: –eπi.

* * *

Question: How many Banach-Tarsky's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Just one, but you'll end up with an extra light bulb.

* * *

Question: How many Fermats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: 7, but the reason why will not fit in the margin of this web page.

* * *

Question: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: .9999999...

* * *

Question: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: It's left to the reader as an exercise.

* * *

Question: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: In earlier work, Wiener[1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.

* * *

Question: How many mathematical logicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: None: They can't do it, but they can prove that it can be done.

* * *

Question: How many numerical analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: 0.9967: (after six iterations).

* * *

Question: How many classical geometers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: None: You can't do it with a straight edge and a compass.

* * *

Question: How many analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Three: One to prove existence, one to prove uniqueness and one to derive a nonconstructive algorithm to do it.

* * *

Question: How many professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: One: with eight research students, two programmers, three post-docs and a secretary to help him.

* * *

Question: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it takes nine years.

* * *

Question: How many topologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: It really doesn't matter, since they'd rather knot.

* * *

Question: How many software engineers does it take to replace a light bulb?
Answer: Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.

* * *

Question: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: None, it's a hardware problem.

Math Jokes

* * *(New added June 2010)

Teacher: What's bigger: 22/7 or 3.14?
Student: They are equal.
Teacher: Why do you say that?!
Student: They are both equal to π.

* * *(New added April 2010) (submitted by Victor Gutenmacher)

Fibonacci salad: For today's salad, mix yesterday's leftover salad with that of the day before.

* * *(New added March 2010)

We know through Erdös that "a mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems". It thus follows by duality that a comathematician is a device for turning cotheorems into ffee.

* * *(New added March 2010)

Birthdays are beneficial for your health. A new breakthrough statistical study unequivocally proved that the more birthdays one has the longer one lives.

* * * (New added January 2010)

The only reliable statistics are those you faked yourself.

* * * (New added January 2010)

Question: Would you like to live for one million years?
Mathematician's Answer: Total or one million years more?

* * * (New added October 2009)

Without geometry life would be pointless.

* * * (New added October 2009)

Parallel lines meet if you bend them.

* * *

Salesman: "Ma'am, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half."
Customer: "Terrific! Give me two of them."

* * *

Relativity — this term means different things to different people.

* * *

If a man tries to fail and succeeds, which did he do?

* * *

God is not all-powerful as he cannot build a wall he cannot jump.

* * *

Question: What did one math book say to the other?
Answer: Don't bother me. I have my own problems.

* * *

Student: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: No, why?
Student: I didn't do my homework.

* * *

— My teacher said we would have a test today, rain or shine.
— Then why are you so happy?
— Because it's snowing.

* * *

Question: How many sides does a box have?
Answer: Two — the inside and the outside.

* * *

Question: What did the calculator say to everyone?
Answer: You can count on me.

* * *

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks: "The usual, sir?"
Descartes replies: "I think not," and promptly dissapears.

* * *

"Do you know that 67% of people are not capable of doing simple arithmetic?"
"I belong to the other 23%."

* * * (submitted by Irene Ogievetskaya)

Teacher: Solve the equation: x + x + x = 9.
Student: x = 3, 3, and 3.

* * *

Teacher: What is 2k + k?
Student: 3000!

* * *

Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.

* * *

I'm not going to be side-tracked into a tangent.

* * * (submitted by Yury Tabachnik)

A minus is half a plus, but every plus has its own minus...

* * * (submitted by Irene Ogievetskaya)

Teacher: What are whole numbers?
Student: Like 0, 6, 8, 9.
Teacher: And what about 10?
Student: It is half-whole, 1 doesn't have a hole.

* * *

Nothing produces such odd results as trying to get even.

* * *

Question: Why did the mathematician refuse to eat the prime rib?
Answer: Because it looked odd.

* * *

- My dear, you love math more than me!
- Of course not, how could you think such a thing!
- Prove it!
- Let A be the set of the objects I love...

* * *

Professor: What is a multiple root of degree 3?
Student: This is a number such that you substitute it once and get 0, substitute it the second time and get 0 again, but when you do it the third time you wont get 0.

* * *

Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

* * *

- Did you know that the human brain uses only one third of its capacity?
- Hmm, what does the other third do?

* * *

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

* * *

Question: Why 2 + 2 = 5 like your left foot?
Answer: It's not right.

* * *

Question: Why was the math book so depressed?
Answer: It had too many problems.

* * *

Teacher: If you were to add 87,326 and 139,561 - and then multiply by 8, add 9,182 and divide by 7, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.

* * *

Dad: You missed school yesterday, didn't you?
Son: Not a bit.

* * *

Teacher: You have ten fingers. If you had three fewer, what would you have?
Student: No more piano lessons.

* * *

Student: I've added these numbers ten times.
Teacher: Good girl.
Student: And here are my ten answers.

* * *

From a resume: Ph.D. in unclear physics.

* * *

Question: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe.

* * *

An English mathematician was asked by his very religious colleague, "Do you believe in one God?" The mathematician replied, "Yes, up to isomorphism!"

* * *

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting around a table in a cafe. They are examining a house they see, and they have already deduced that it is empty. Soon, they see 2 people enter the house, and before long, 3 people leave the house. The physicist is baffled, and he says, "This is impossible. The result must be inaccurate!" The biologist replies, "I agree. This is impossible. They must, somehow, be reproducing in there." Then, the mathematician says, "No, no, no. This is all very simple. We started with 0 people. 2 people went in, and 3 went out. Now there must be -1 people left, so if someone goes in, the house will be empty."

* * *

Question: Can 2 + 2 equal 5?
Answer: Yes, for extremely large values of 2.

* * *

Question: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
Answer: To get to the other ... er, um ...

* * *

Question: What is the world's longest song?
Answer: "Aleph-nought Bottles of Beer on the Wall".

* * *

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.

* * *

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

* * *

- Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?
- No, son, it wouldn't be right.
- Well, you could try.

* * *

An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality. A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. A mathematician doesn't care.

* * *

I have always been told that old statisticians do not fade away, but rather are "broken down by age and sex".

* * *

The shortest math joke: let epsilon be less than 0...

* * *

Question: What is the difference between an introverted mathematician and an extroverted mathematician?
Answer: An introverted mathematician stares at his own feet while talking to you, while an extroverted one stares at your feet.

* * *

Petr Petrovich and Ivan Ivanovich are two academics who are hammering nails into a wall. Ivan Ivanovich says: "Our industry is making bad nails: they are putting the heads on the wrong side". Petr Petrovich replies: "My good friend Ivan Ivanovich, this is the wrong wall for this nail."

* * *

"The problems for the exam will be similar to the ones discussed in class. Of course, the numbers will be different. But not all of them. Pi will still be 3.14159... "

* * *

The highest moments in the life of a mathematician are the first few moments after one has proved the result, but before one finds the mistake.

* * *

"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."

* * *

Einstein-Pythagoras equation: E = m(a2 + b2).

* * *

2 and 2 is 22.

* * *

Question: how many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?
Answer: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time.

* * *

Life is complex: it has both real and imaginary components.

* * *

Question: What does the zero say to the eight?
Answer: Nice belt!

* * *

Problem: Three men entered a cafe and each ordered a cup of coffee. Each man put an odd number of spoons of sugar into his coffee for a total of 14 spoons of sugar. How many spoons of sugar did each man put into his cup of coffee?
Answer: one, one and twelve. You have to agree that twelve is a very odd number of spoons of sugar to put into your coffee.

* * *

Question: What's yellow, linear, normed and complete?
Answer: A Bananach space.

* * *

Question: What is a dilemma?
Answer: A lemma that proves two results.

* * *

Question: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.

* * *

It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime number discovered recently is four times bigger then the previous record.

* * *

There are only two kinds of math books. Those you cannot read beyond the first sentence, and those you cannot read beyond the first page.

* * *

My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, he was right.

* * *

Geometry is the art of coming to true conclusions from wrong-drawn pictures.

* * *

The average person is mean.

* * *

This paper contains many new and interesting ideas. New ideas are not interesting and interesting ideas are not new.

* * *

A mathematician, a physicist and a psychologist are discussing a probability problem:
A coin was flipped 100 times and every time it was heads. What will it be on the next flip?
Physicist:
- The experiment showed that it should be heads.
Mathematician:
- The events are independent — it should be heads with probability 1/2.
Psychologist:
- It will be tails.
- Why?
- After one hundred times of heads, tails would really strongly want to come out.

Programmer Jokes

* * *(New added March 2010)

Programmers wear red T-shirts to match the color of their eyes.

* * *(New added March 2010)

We invented the decimal system, because humans have ten fingers on their hands; and 32-bit computers, because humans have 32 teeth in their mouths.

* * *(New added March 2010)

- What do you do when you see a beautiful girl?
- I download her.

* * *

— Is it true that the Windows operating system was copied from the computer on the UFO that crashed at Roswell in 1947?
— I am only sure that those UFOs that didn't crash had other operating systems.

* * *

Two programmers are talking:
— My wife called me last night, but my modem answered the phone…
— And what happened?
— They chatted for an hour and a half…

* * *

— Daddy, tell me a fairy tale about multi-processing.
— Wait a miniute, let the computer finish compiling.

* * *

— What do you do to protect yourselves from viruses?
— We use disposable computers …

* * *

Microsoft offers a new service. They sell ad spots in their error messages.

* * *

Sysadmin:
— I do not care if everyone insists that using the name of my own cat as a password is a bad idea! RrgTt_fx32!b, kitty-kitty-kitty …

* * *

Due to technical difficulties the release of Windows 2000 is delayed until February 1901.

* * *

A census taker asks a programmer:
— What is your native language?
— What do you mean by my native language?
— The language you used since childhood.
— Basic.
— No, I mean your real language.
— Ah! Real! Then C++.

* * *

A doctor looking at patient's X-rays:
— Hmm, multiple hip fractures, tibia and fibula fractures. Oh well, Photoshop can fix all that.

* * *

After learning how much money Bill Gates has, Satan offered him his own soul.

* * *

Disclaimer: clicking the button "remember password" will not help you to remember your password.

* * *

Computer science student at a summer job:
- Two hot-dogs, please. One with mustard and the other one without.
- No musturd on which one?

* * *

Question: Why do you update your website so rarely?
Answer: And why do you visit so often?

* * *

Dual-core processor - while one core is asking you the question: "Are you sure you want to delete the selected files?", the second core already deleted everything.

* * *

The most important thing in dealing with computers is not letting them know that you are in a hurry...

* * *

A programmer sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night and feels thirsty. Soon, he thinks of a solution. He will leave 2 glasses next to his bed. One full of water, in case he wakes up, and he is thirsty, and one empty glass, in case he wakes up, and he is not thirsty.

* * *

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary, and those who don't.

* * *

Question: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Answer: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

* * *

Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.

* * *

Two bytes walk into a bar. The first byte turns to the second and says "I think I may have a parity error." The second byte turns to the first and says "yeah, you look a bit off."

* * *

The familiar dot (.) symbol from Internet addresses shall be used on this website to denote the end of a sentence.

* * *

If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution.

* * *

Sometimes, after you comb your hair just right, you have a sudden urge to press Ctrl-X Ctrl-S.

* * *

Hardware: the part of the computer that you can kick.

* * *

All computers wait at the same speed.

* * *

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

* * *

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* * *

Programming is an art form that fights back.

* * *

AI: anything a computer can't do yet.

* * *

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

* * *

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

* * *

Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are.

* * *

System Error: press F13 to continue...

* * *

Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.

* * *

Artificial Intelligence usually beats natural stupidity.

* * *

Smith & Wesson - the original point and click interface.

* * *

Login: yes
Password: i dont have one
password is incorrect

Login: yes
Password: incorrect

* * *

On the negative side, I've been getting charged for a ton of stuff I didn't order lately. On the positive side, I did win that 'Who's Got the Best Password' contest on AOL last week.

* * *

Back up my hard disk? I can't find the reverse switch!

* * *

You know you're a geek when... You try to shoo a fly away from the monitor with your cursor.

* * *

The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.

* * *

Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]

* * *

In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates?

* * *

What does the Start button do — isn't the computer already running?

* * *

There is no place like 127.0.0.1.

* * *

Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows.

* * *

A web designer calls the police:
- Help! My car disappeared!
- Is that you again? Don't worry, your car didn't disappear. When will you learn that 404 is your license plate number?

* * *

A programmer's wife was asked:
- How did he get you interested in him?
The wife:
- He kept boasting about his hard drive.

* * *

One programmer to another:
- Imagine you have 1,000 bucks; or better a round number — imagine you have 1,024 bucks.

* * *

A kindergarten teacher asks Dan, a programmer's son:
- Pinoccio was given 3 apples. He ate two. How many apples does he have?
Dan answers:
- Did you initialize Pinoccio.apple_count_ to zero?

* * *

I feel like a computer mouse: I am crawling around on the pad and my stomach is turning.

* * * Windows error messages in haiku

* * *

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

* * *

The web sit you seek
cannot be located, but
endless others exist.

* * *

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.

* * *

Windows NT crashed.
The Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

* * *

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

* * *

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

* * *

I'm sorry, there's -- um --
insufficient -- what's-it-called?
The term eludes me ...

* * *

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

* * *

Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault.

* * *

The Tao that is seen
is not the true Tao, until
you bring fresh toner.

* * *

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy.

* * *

No keyboard present.
Hit F1 to continue.
Zen engineering?

Physics Jokes

* * *

A hydrogen atom says to the bartender, "Hey buddy, have you seen an electron around here? I seem to have lost mine."
"Are you sure you lost it?" the bartender asks.
And the hydrogen atom answers, "I'm positive!"

* * *

Heisenberg gets stopped on the motorway by the police.
Cop: "Do you know how fast you were going sir?"
Heisenberg: "No, but I know exactly where I am."

* * *

A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks him, "Can I help you with your luggage?"
To which the photon replies, "I don't have any. I'm traveling light."

Dirty Math Jokes

How do they do it

* * * (New added July 2010)

Enter your new password: penis
Your password is rejected. It is too short.

* * * (New added July 2010)

Yesterday I was at an Internet cafe when my server went down on me.

* * * (New added April 2010)

Question: What is the square root of 69?
Answer: Eight something.

* * *

What is so special about 6.9?
It is 69 ruined by a period.

* * *

I think that sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

* * *

I wish I were your problem set, because then I'd be really hard, and you'd be doing me on the desk.

* * *

Statistics show that teenage pregnancies drop off significantly after age 25.

* * *

Love is a strange kind of mathematics: one moment of carelessness and 1 + 1 = 3.

* * *

Top Ten Things That Math and Sex Have in Common
10. Explicit discussions of either topic is a faux pas at most cocktail parties.
9. Historically, men have been in control, but there are now efforts to get women more involved.
8. There are many joint results.
7. Both are prominent on college campuses, and are usually practiced indoors.
6. Most people wish they knew more about both subjects.
5. Both involve long and hard problems, and can produce interesting topology and geometry.
4. Both merit undivided attention, but mathematicians are prone to think about one while doing the other.
3. Saint Augustine was hostile to both, and Alan Turing took an unusual approach to both.
2. Both typically begin with a lot of hard work and end with a great but brief reward.
1. Professionals are generally viewed with suspicion, and most do not earn high pay.

* * *

Math is like love — a simple idea but it can get complicated.

* * *

She was only a mathematician's daughter, and she sure learned how to multiply using square roots.

* * *

Freud's nightmare: Mobius's phallus.

* * *

Math Problem:
A mother is 21 years older than her son. In 6 years she will be 5 times as old as her son. Where is the father?

Last revised April 2010